WARNING: This story discusses specific story points from multiple games. They're so old you probably already beat them or don't care anyway. Whatever. You've been warned.
Do you cringe around large bodies of water? Does the idea of walking with a friend from Point A to Point B hold as much appeal as sticking your hand in the garbage disposal? Is the third time always the charm? If so, you may be suffering from Videogame Cliché Syndrome™ - brought on by prolonged exposure to painfully obvious gaming moments. We're here to help. Here are some of the most common clichés found in videogames today, and games that have atoned in some way. We're not saying playing these games will cure you - but they may give you hope that one day, videogames will be cliché free.
Oh, and for the last time, spoilers ahead, OK?
- Help! I fell in the water and never learned how to swim!
There seems to be an epidemic of adult videogame characters that can't even dog paddle their way back five feet to a wall. It's gotten so bad I expect someone to fall into a giant slushie and die a horrible death in the near future. The obvious answer - don't go near the water! - is never the easy one. Inevitably, you will be on a boat with hostiles knocking you around, walking on a half-inch ledge above the ocean, or driving recklessly while pursuing or escaping in a car that has no control whatsoever.
The early Grand Theft Auto games were particularly bad, as you had to sit through a dramatic recreation of your AI drowning before resetting to... well, I don't like to talk about it. Rockstar Games atones with Grand Theft Auto IV. Not only can you swim, you're a regular Michael Phelps. During one mission, I jumped out of a helicopter into the water and proceeded to swim back to Manhat - I mean, Algonquin. A trip that would normally take me days on foot went relatively swiftly. Bonus points for letting me climb aboard a yacht and jack it.
- This hot chick is wounded and needs me to carry/defend her as we walk through a sea of enemies.
Ah, the escort mission - so loathed, and yet, a standardcrutchfeature of first-person shooters and RPGs. And yes, I know it's not always a hot chick - but you have to admit, it is rather common. Other factors you can pretty much count on: The escort will be wounded, requiring you to either carry her or walk really, really slowly. Oh and there's going to be an insane number of zombies/people/animals/traps to evade. (Presumably, they smell the blood. Well, maybe not the traps.)
Escort missions can play a major role in Dead Rising. While technically side missions, completing escorts are the key to leveling up quickly, getting one of the better endings, and generally staying entertained between mass zombie slaughter sessions. The difference? You get credit the second they join your party and extra points if you save her/him from a psycho. Most escorts are in decent shape - they can walk, and if you give them a weapon, they'll go all Charles Bronson. Plus you can give them health items to chug (I recommend wine for fast pick-me-ups), making it easier to get them back to safety.
Or, you can just abandon their asses and let the zombies get them. You still end up ahead in the game for having tried. Granted, you won't get the bonus level points for dragging them all the way back to the control room, and it won't count toward your final rescue tally, which helps determine which of the 10,000 endings you get.
But it will distract the zombies for a minute while you make a run for it, and isn't that what really matters?
- Crates... why'd it have to be... Crates.
Move them! Stack them! Whack them! Hide behind them! Slowly go insane looking for a key hidden somewhere in the world's biggest crate factory! No, it's not a challenge on The Amazing Race. (Well, maybe it was, but not in this case.) It's our frenemy: the crate.
We all know the rules. If you see one, bash it - and hope you don't break your weapon (or hand) because this particular wood crate is reinforced with titanium steel. Play enough Tomb Raider games, and you'll be rearranging crates in your sleep. Walk through Resident Evil, and you'll wonder if that crate sitting behind the grocery store has a plant in it. (Or a snake. Screw you, Resident Evil 4.) Just don't ignore it. If it's in the game, it probably has a purpose.
Portal forever changed the way I looked at crates with one simple achievement: Heartbreaker. I'm not going to spoil this one, because if you haven't played the game, you'd laugh. No, seriously. It sounds completely, insanely stupid what happens between you and a very special cube. And when the sudden but inevitable moment of betrayal comes... you will feel it.
I have the Companion Cube earrings to prove it.
- Three is the magic number.... Yes it is.
And last but certainly not least, the one cliché that will never die: the rule of three. How do you know you're in a boss battle? Well, first, there's the James Bond moment where the boss explains it all in a 20-minute cinematic. Then, just when you are entering your videogame coma (or getting back from the fridge/bathroom), the boss unleashes hell in the form of a bunch of annoying minions.
The minions are a distraction, of course. The real action is back at the boss, who is forming his/her/its own attacks while the minions keep you busy. The catch: You have to get through the minions to get to the boss, knock down their health, and get the inevitable first big reaction. You know, when the boss takes over and does something to indicate that hey, that hurt! Then, everything resets, the minions come back and the whole damn cycle begins again.
We're going all the way back to Hunter: The Reckoning on the first Xbox for this one. The vampire boss in this one gave me hell for weeks, as his particular attacks (and minions) were very, very difficult to overcome. Then, it finally occurred to me - it's awfully bright outside. Rather than take the traditional 1-2-3 ,you're it attack, I wailed on the boarded-up windows, which the developers thoughtfully made breakable. It still took me several tries to take him down, but when he did fall, it was spectacular.
Was that the official way to win? I don't know - probably. But for once, I didn't feel like I was playing whack-a-boss with a giant, pointless hammer. It felt like I was problem solving and fighting an actual battle, instead of just getting past this level of the game.
Comments (1)
These cliches are in no particular order, but you know you’re in a survival horror game when:
• Clips of unused ammo are lazily hidden in places: like in otherwise bare cupboards, laying on the floor next to a bed (on the side of the bed that’s opposite of the door), behind the toilet, or in the mail box.
• Large square/octagon shaped depressions in the wall/locked door/behind the painting seem to be the key to unlocking an adjacent room.
• despite your inventory of blunt weapons, smashing through the windows won’t give you a short cut to the courtyard.
• When one of your crew makes an audio tape explaining the plot in the event of his death.
• When playing the first 6 notes of a famous melody on a piano unlocks a door.
• When viewing a photo of the little girl who later became the poltergeist that has been attacking you, lets you see the memories of a person who you’ve never met.
• Behind every panting, there is a safe; and under every rug, there is a trap door.
• Steamed mirrors reveal numbers instead of messages.
• Monsters wait patently for you to navigate your inventory, before they resume attacking.
Posted by Michelle (Mush) | January 31, 2010 2:10 PM
Posted on January 31, 2010 14:10