It might be hard for you kids to believe, but there was a time before videogames dominated the living room. I know--I remember. Sort of. I also remember when you had to have a fistful of quarters to play Donkey Kong, and there was a line, dammit! And by the way, 16-bit imagery wasn't ironic... it was state of the art. Yes, the first videogame generation is middle-aged (we prefer to think of it as "Rated M for Mature") and we're still fighting for our right to host LAN parties. It's not much of a stretch to imagine what our retirement communities will look like: rooms full of atrophied hands desperately trying to figure out the punch-punch-kick-kick-up-down-turn-your-self-around button combos required to win a game of Dead or Alive in the year 2040. ("My Martha looked just like that Kasumi in her day. Boy could she kick high.")
Of course, DOA won't satisfy our generation's need to see ourselves reflected in our media. If videogame companies are smart, they offer us reliable (read: familiar) titles that have matured… just like we will have.
Assuming the planets and wheels of commerce align, here are some games we might be fighting over in the retirement facility.
The Sims: Golden Years
For decades, you've watched over your little Sims, ensuring they eat, sleep and occasionally die horrible, sadistic deaths. Now, you can torture them in the same way your ungrateful children torture you. With our new "Tuesdays with Grandpa" option, you are guaranteed a visit from your grandchildren every two hours of game time! How you spend those precious two minutes is up to you. Tell them a story, bounce them on your virtual knee or just fill the little brats up with sugar and send them off with their parents.
The Sims: Golden Years features all new maintenance tasks including:
- Early to bed, earlier to rise
- Accelerated bladder schedule
- Where's my insulin?
- Grandma has Alzheimer's
Rated E for Everyone.
Silent Hill: Called Home
For decades, you've walked in the fog, wandered through graveyards and fought off vicious zombie nurses to find your elusive loved ones. But enough about your retirement home. It's time to take one last--and this time, we really, really mean it--trip to Silent Hill. All your favorite spots are still here: the hospital, the cemetery, the apartment building where little Billy's head did a 360.
And--Spoiler Alert!--the ending you get will depend on the game you played. We won't give too much away here, but here are the endings available in the game:
- Heaven Ending
- Hell Ending
- Reincarnation Ending
- Dalai Lama ending
- Um, You're Just Dead
- Dog Ending
Final-Final Fantasy
You've explored new universes, played as sexually-ambiguous boys (girls?) and gone to places that live on in your imagination. Now, take one last trip to the wondrous Playboy mansion, where everyone is young, carefree and nude except for high heels and bunny ears. Even the boys (girls?). After all, if you're this close to death, do you really want the last thing you see to be a bunch of anime children?
Rated T&A.
Metal Gear Solid Food
Join Solid Snake as he attempts to convince his captors (or, "attendants" as they call themselves) that he is really a top operative. Featuring such popular mini-games as:
- Restraint Escape
- Creeping Down the Hall
- Get Your Goddamn Hands Off Of Me, I Was Saving the World Before You Were Born, Punk
Mario Sunshine Boys
Because you're never too old to play an offensive Italian stereotype (or Mario), it's Mario Sunshine Boys! Relive the olden days with Mario, Luigi and Queen Mother Peach as they go on one last adventure. Comes with a special Mario sunshine "stamp" to lick right before you start the game. Enjoy your trip.
Rocking Chair Band
Remember back when you could rock out all night with the band? Remember the band? Remember your back? Well, if you answered "No" to any of these questions, we've got the game for you. With Rocking Chair Band, all you have to do is what comes naturally: Plant your ass in a rocking chair and move to the music. Featuring all your favorite 1970s bands and some crap your grandchildren like in case they come over to play, which they never do, and geez you call that music? Let me tell you brats about music. In the beginning, there was Geddy Lee…
Halo
OK, technically, this one isn't available yet. But you'll unlock it one day if you've led a good life, or so the story goes. And it'll be sooner than later if you keep eating that red meat and drinking too much, especially with your heart, Mr. Jones.
Now put the controller down and come back to bed. It's almost time for Wheel of Fortune, and I know how much you enjoy watching that Olivia Munn turn those tiles. There now, that's a good gamer….
Comments (1)
I will be returning later. Keep up the good work!
Posted by infrared heaters | March 26, 2010 6:09 PM
Posted on March 26, 2010 18:09