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I'm sick to death over this whole Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sex scandal. I mean, who knew that the game contained hidden simulated naughty nasty sex mini-games. What if some kids got a hold of this - what would they think? Can you imagine how many hours they might waste on impure thoughts and one-handed button mashing?

Hell, it might even blind them to the real purpose of the game: capping rival gang members, going on shooting rampages that almost always take out nearby pedestrians and building a crime empire in a fantasy game world that suggests that anyone could rise to power if they workout, eat right and are willing to murder on a daily basis.

Don't get me wrong, I just started playing the Xbox version of GTA: San Andreas - which, at least for now, doesn't have this mod. And I love it! It's great to be able to prowl the streets, cover other gangs' graffiti, practice a little home invasion and teach those rival punk-ass playahs to stop dissing your homies and respect your authority (or at least your big-ass piece).

Yeah, I know. I'm so street. I get that a lot.

The story so far
If you haven't been following the unfolding story, here's a short history lesson. In early June, a modder released the Hot Coffee patch that supposedly unlocked some existing mini-games in GTA: San Andreas. In the normal game, when you visit your girlfriends and they invite you in for some coffee (code for a booty call), the camera pulls back from the house and you hear some suggestive moans and groans.

A hacker known as PatrickW claims he dug around on the PC game disc and found some unused code that lets you actually go into the house and boost your health bar the old fashioned way, complete with nudity (in some cases) and a variety of positions. You actually have to tap the keyboard in time to rhythm, making this an interactive mini-game rather than just a scene.

A few weeks later, the politicians jumped on the bandwagon. The first was California assemblyman Leland Yee (D-San Francisco), who blamed the Entertainment Software Ratings Board (ESRB) for failing to rate the game as Adult Oriented (AO) instead of simply Mature. More recently, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) lashed out at the game and even took her complaint to the FTC. She charges that "the video game, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, has graphic pornographic content which may be unlocked by following instructions widely available on the Internet."

This is wrong on many levels. First, you need more than instructions to unlock these naughty bits, you need to actually patch the game. And this just in: A code (that requires a third-party cheat device like Action Replay Max) can be used to unlock it on the PS2 version. (Can an Xbox mod be far behind?) This is a little closer to what the Senator described, but this news broke after her statement - and it still requires a fair amount of effort.

Second, the scenes are suggestive but not hardcore. There are no close-ups, nothing that would qualify as "graphic pornographic content." You can see much more just about any night of the week on HBO or Showtime. [UPDATE: This didn't stop the ESRB from caving in a few days later and re-rating the game AO. See my updated thoughts below.]

Rockstar in denial
Rockstar is, of course, denying everything even as they soak up the free publicity and, no doubt, a surge in sales. [UPDATE: Rockstar publisher Take-Two Interactive has recalled the game, so sales are on hold - at least for now.] They claim that the mod violates their license agreement and suggest (without quite stating) that the mini-games were wholly manufactured and grafted onto the game by a bunch of malicious coders out to discredit them and their way of life.

No one is buying it, since the scenes fit perfectly within the game. The graphics and voice acting match too well, and the presence of the mini-game on the PS2 disc makes it clear that these elements were cut in order to secure a M rating rather than the dreaded AO - which would have meant that no one except a few Internet boutiques would stock the game.

Which is funny, because even with the added scenes, the game fits neatly within the definition of an M-rated game. Violence? Of course. Strong language? Hell yeah. Blood and gore? Check. Sexual content (possibly including nudity)? I think we've covered this. AO titles, on the other hand, feature "prolonged scenes of intense violence and/or graphic sexual content and nudity."

Frankly, the politicians would have an easier time making the case that there are prolonged scenes of intense violence. The sex scenes, even with the mod, are short and harmless. Heck, they even suggest that a gentleman should let the lady finish first. Is that such a wrong thing to teach our kids?

The only question, really, is whether Rockstar did this on purpose knowing the mini-games would eventually be discovered, a low-level employee left it in as a prank or the code was marked for deletion but the guy who was supposed to remove it has Swiss cheese for a brain.

The whole firestorm is ridiculous. Doesn't everyone think it's funny that all of these politicians are waving their arms in the air screaming about a little harmless simulated sex? I mean, the game is about killing rival gang members and lets you, within the first five minutes, drive over innocent pedestrians without penalty.

Is sex really the root of all that's wrong in our country? The outcry suggests that we should be (as Hilary put it) "deeply disturbed that a game which now permits the simulation of lewd sexual acts in an interactive format with highly realistic graphics has fallen into the hands of young people across the country." But it misses the point that a Mature-rated title should never land in kids' hands in the first place.

Yeah, I know, parents suck - they don't pay attention and just give their little brats whatever they want. Great, so take the fight where it belongs: improving awareness and boosting retail enforcement of ESRB ratings. To be fair, Hilary also asks that the FTC make a "careful examination of the adequacy of retailers' rating enforcement policies."

Personally, I know that my son won't be playing a game like Grand Theft Auto until he's roughly 35 (OK, maybe 17 if he cleans his room and mows the lawn when I ask him) - and not because of a few naughty mini-games. And when he does, I'll be there to put it in context.

If we're going to make a federal case out of this, let's make it count. It's the violence, stupid! And the parents who turn a blind eye to what their kids are doing.

Yeah, I know - that doesn't make a very attractive headline. So let's blame the media, too.

-=Gamewatcher

UPDATE (July 21): If you think the re-rating of the game is ridiculous (as I clearly do), speak your mind! You're part of the community whose values the ESRB aims to reflect in its ratings. Your voice should be counted.

At minimum, talk with friends and family about how silly this whole fiasco is and how it's all been blown out of proportion (pun unintended, but I'm not deleting it now that I've noticed it). Explain to people that the scenes are ridiculously short and inaccessible to most gamers, and besides - isn't the violence of the game enough to warrant it be kept from younger gamers? Can't adults enjoy a silly, sexy mini-game if they want? I mean, that's who this game is clearly for - and no one has ever disputed that.

If you're really ambitious, try to get a job as an ESRB rater. Or a political staffer. Or a member of the media. And put a bug in the ear of those people who make wrong-headed judgments or do sloppy reporting.